Get Your Marriage Fire Going

Many years ago I did a lot of business with a man who had a difficult marriage. This guy was in his mid-forties and he wasn't in very good shape. He was also a hunter, so he often spent time away from home with his friends. From the little I knew of her, his wife seemed like a nice lady. However, this man divorced his wife.

I didn't know about the divorce until I saw him one day. It had been a while since I had seen him and the first thing I noticed was how good he looked. He had lost more than twenty pounds and was dressed better than I had ever seen him.

I immediately commented, "Hey, you look great. Have you been working out?" He smiled at me and said, "Yes, thanks. Did you know I just got a divorce?" "No" I said. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

He replied, "Well, I've been working out because I'm in the dating scene again. You can't catch a good-looking woman unless you look good." He seemed happy and confident as he walked past me and others around us began making comments to him.

As our conversation ended, I wondered what would have happened to his failed marriage had he put the same energy toward pleasing his wife that he was willing to put forth for a stranger he was hoping to "catch." Having known him for years, I knew he had been apathetic toward his wife and distracted from his marriage. There is no doubt in my mind his marriage ended as a result. I'm not saying his wife didn't have issues of her own, but I can promise you his attitudes were a big part of the problem.

I've seen this over and over in people who struggle or fail in marriage. They are willing to work at the relationship while courting and they are sometimes willing to work if the relationship goes into crisis. The problem is, they aren't willing to work day in and day out. Therefore, the marriage doesn't work.

I was this way. When I first started dating Karen, I was charming and energetic. I knocked myself out to please her and impress her. As soon as I knew she loved me and I was secure in the relationship, I stopped trying as hard and began taking her for granted. As she began to complain about my behavior and my lack of effort, I became angry and defensive. That began a downward cycle in our relationship that almost ended in divorce.

By the grace of God we didn't divorce and I changed. One of the first things I did to change our marriage was to start working at it again. And, I didn't do it just long enough to appease Karen. I did it as a new lifestyle. That has been thirty years ago. I still work at our marriage today and it has gotten better every year for the past thirty years.

Marriage is work -- and when you work at it it works! Like any other endeavor in life, we must have a good work ethic if we hope to succeed. Some believe in the fairy tale that says if you marry your perfect soul mate then the passion will be perpetually intense and you won't have to work at the relationship. In fact, these people believe if you have to work at marriage there must be something wrong. That, however, is the one of the devil's favorite lies because it keeps people miserable and failing in marriage!

Marriage is work -- and when you work at it it works! Like any other endeavor in life, we must have a good work ethic if we hope to succeed.

When I began to change and started working at our marriage, Karen and I had no positive emotion for each other. As some would say, we were "out of love". Within days of putting effort into loving and serving Karen, the spark of love was kindled. Within weeks, we were enjoying each other a lot and experiencing a resurrection of our passion. Within a few months, we were experiencing a level of intimacy we had never experienced and it has never stopped since that time.

Work at your marriage. Build a work ethic that is a daily fixture in your relationship. Even if your spouse doesn't join in -- you do it. Your spark may be the only thing needed for the fire to be rekindled.